Tuesday, August 31, 2010

True Confidence.

I'm back! It's true, I'm not only back from the most amazing week at Youth Camp, but I am back to the computer, unleashing my heartfelt words into the cyber world! Miss me?
Probablly not (:

  Well, let me jump right in by saying Thankyou. Thankyou to my two beautiful friends Alexis Morgan Tucker and Christina Rose Laurence. You have both inspired and challenged and encouraged me without even knowing it. How so? Let me explain....

  During camp this week God was really working on my heart in the area of confidence and self image. My whole life I have always struggled with being good enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Strong enough. I remember the end of my 4th grade year, I was walking accross the field with a group of friends and I remember looking around at all the girls around me and beginning to really compare myself. My size, my complection, my personality. And ever since then my self image has been not only a hinderance in my life, but motivation to do things that have destroyed not only my body, but who I am.
  God has been showing me things in His Word that show that we are truly beautiful in Christ. But I can't even explain how hard it is for me to accept that. Yea, I have heard all my life that what is important is that you are beautiful on the inside. But those words never changed the fact that I couldn't even stand to look in the mirrior. But I am happy to honestly say that this last week at camp was the biggest break through to accepting who I am.
  I believe it was a wednesday night when my friend Ali went naked. On her face that is. No makeup! And she was so beautiful. I honestly think she looked better without makeup. My friend Christina rarely wears any makeup. Normally just mascara. And she is goreous. Her face is always glowing. I'm not being creepy by making it such a point that they are both so pretty. The fact that they could both go through thier day and be who they were, and be so beautiful really inspired me. More than I can explain.
  A verse that God really burned into my heart at Camp was

       2 Corinthians 5:17
       Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. (NKJV)
 I am finally realizing what it means to be truly beautiful in Christ. I know that I am a new creation in Christ. And if we are to reflect Christ, who is so beautiful beyond words, doesn't that make us something very beautiful indeed? Shouldn't that give you confidence?
   I always thought that the only way I could have true confidence was in the way I looked and the way others saw me. As long as I could say the right things and wear the right things, then I would be confident. Right? Not at all. In all honesty no matter how i tried to change who I was to make myself look confident,  I only ended up losing myself in the process. Isaiah 32:17 says
   The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. You see, external confidence doesnt last. Real confidence comes from righteousness... God's righteousness... at work in your heart. Real confidence comes from depending on Him and not on yourself. And nothing can take that kind of confidence away, because it's yours forever.....

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


  Hello! I can't believe its been well over a month since my last post. When I first ventured into my blogging journey I was so sure I couldn't and wouldn't miss a day.... boy was I wrong. Well, I guess besides the fact that life has been a little busy and such, being summer and all, I've found it hard to find some inspiration. I will say though, I had written a long, very heartfelt post for my dumb computer to decide to refresh the page and erase my hard work! Oh man, that was a sad day. But I promise I did try.
 Anyways, I don't think I really found that much to inspire me, and I'm not going to wait for something grand to happen. So this is why tonight I have decided to just write. To just let myself unravel my mind through my typed-up words and maybe, just maybe, my unraveling will either inspire or encourage you.

  To begin with a little confession: I don't deal with change very well. There you have it, the whole reason why I am having such a hard time right now. I understand that wether I like it or not, things are always changing. I'm changing, the weather changes, the food that was on my plate this morning has most certainly changed. And some things, well, actually alot of things i can't stop from changing. And for whatever reason I have a really hard time with that.
  Why the chat on change? Well, fact of the matter is, things are changing in my life that I never thought would. Who would have ever guessed that my best friend of 11 years was going to move out of the state? Who would have known that little parts and pieces of a family I have gained through my church would leave? Who would have thought that the summer of 2010 is comming to a close.... and life is going by just way to fast?
  I guess these kinds of things could make me angry, confused, hurt or maybe even a little depressed. And it seems like it would be really easy to allow myself to feel that way. Yes, I'm hurt and sad to be honest. Things are hard. But I know that as I am going through some pretty tough times in my life, I've got a God who is right by my side to comfort me and give me peace. And through my tears and my struggles, through the things in my life that change, I know I will come out on the other side stronger.

  I met Emilee when I was 4 years old. And I honestly couldnt stand her. There was a kids indoor playground called Kidzone in Grants Pass that I went to everyday since my mom worked in the nursery there. It was a wonderful place for a 4 year old with many different colored tubes and slides and ball pits and dress up rooms. As I ran around the tubes I distinctively remember a cute little girl my age with long blonde hair running around just the same. She noticed me as well and began chasing me!
  " What a rude little girl" I had thought.
  As the day of in-tube-playing went on, I began to really despise her. But as much as I wanted to tell my mommy to make her leave, there came a time when it didnt matter what I thought about her, and it was time to help. My llittle new found enemy had lost her earing in the ball pit.... and I just had to help her find it. But in my attempt at showing this little girl kindness, not only did I find her earing.. I stepped on it and my toe began to bleed.
  Not only had I grown to despise her, she had grown to dislike me as well. But as I sat in the ball pit crying, and holding my toe as it bled, she felt compassion on me and decided to help me out by getting me a bandaid from the front desk. And as her little pale hand patted my shoulder and told me in her little sqeaky voice that I was going to be alright, I decided she wasn't so bad afterall.
  I didn't like her yet though.
  A couple weeks went by and I had pretty much frogotten about that pesky little blonde girl. The first day of kindergarten arrived, and I remember wearing my brand new tweaty bird red plaid skirt with the matching red and black shirt to go along. The first day of school was great! I loved my teacher Miss Mueler and we got to write about pirtes in our  new writing journals. The first elementary recess of my life had come, and as I began to walk my short self to the swing set, I see her. The little girl with long blonde hair running accross the playground in a purple jacket.
 I couldn't believe it! I thought for sure I'd never see her again. But no, there she was, chasing some new poor innocent victim. And who was her next target? Me! She saw me just as well as I saw her and she began to come for me. But I was going to stand my ground! But she didn't tackle me to the ground as I was actually expecting, she just ran over to say hello. And then she was gone.
  My first couple days went on as a new kindergartener, and I had gained a couple new friends, Haylee and Natasha. They were my 'best' friends and we spent all of recess toegether. But on my fourth day of school, that annoying little blonde had decided that she wasn't going to allow me to have any friends! She did everything in her power to get haylee and Natasha to dislike me. Why you ask? Because in her little mind, she had decided that she wanted me as her friend.
 By the end of the week Taylor and Emilee were beginning a long journey of being true best friends.

 I've gone through so much with Em. She has been there for me no matter what the cost. And although I moved 45 minutes away after 5th grade, that didnt stop us from being just as close. She was that special person who could comfort me when I was at my lowest. She was the one who could make me crack up laughing right when I'm in the middle of screaming at her. She truly is one of a kind and I love her so much, more than she will ever know. And yes, it's hard to hear that she is going to be hundreds of miles away, but our friendship isn't based on distance. I pray we continue to grow closer together even as we are further appart.
  So, I guess through all this, all the change and stuff I'm going through, one things stands true. I know that God is with me. I know without a doubt that he is there to comfort me and I know that through him I will become stronger through loss, and through change. I've always been afraid of changes, and I've tried to battle things in life that I have no control over. But as I am getting older, and becoming a little more mature, I find that with God, it's easier to accept change. And I hope to encourage you that even though change is just going to happen, one thing that will never change is God. He is always there. And you can find your strength and courage in him.

Hebrews 13:8

 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

I love you Emy, no matter how far appart we are.